Pick apart the pieces of your heart.

Heart's A Mess
it makes no sense but i'm desperate to connect

April 22, 2014

Act 2, Scene 1: Don't Wanna Dance

Girl, 20, lies down in bed and is sobbing quietly. It is 2 o'clock in the morning. There is a strong sense of pain and anger in the air. We see her room is a mess with books in disorganised piles on the table and in the bookshelf, clothes strewn about and draped over the furniture, shoes in one corner of the room by the cupboard look like they were thrown there and disregarded. Girl herself looks quite the mess. Her matted hair is in a loose ponytail, her clothes are crumpled and her eyes bloodshot.

Girl:

I cried tonight, after we said goodnight. I felt incredibly lonely when you went to bed with goodnight wishes so cold and distant. I wanted to be held the way I held you. I wanted your warmth. I wanted to know that you wanted me too. I miss you incredibly with the kind of emptiness that hurts and makes my hands hyperaware of the absence of your fingers in the spaces between mine. Do you feel it too? I believe you would but it is likely overwhelmed by something else- hurt. Did I drive you away with words that stirred your insecurities knowing full well that it would but done in the name of love and respect? Perhaps. I love you, yes, but I cannot deny the experiences I want to have with my friends while I'm young and still able to experience life carelessly. Still, I gave it up. I didn't want to push you away but the words have been said and that brings me to my current state. I wept thinking of how much I wanted to be by your side. I wanted to hold you, to love you, to show you that I can be trusted. I don't know what you think of me anymore and that scares me. I want to lie down beside you and listen to your heart beating as you sleep and dreams fill your mind with all kinds of wonder. I am no longer the girl you know me to be, I believe it is so. Now, I'm no good. All I do is hurt and lie and cheat you but you give me so much. I often wonder myself, how am I able to do this to a man I truly love? Maybe there's something wrong with me and I'm broken. Maybe I was never meant for you. Maybe I was a mistake that was too late too fix, because you were falling too and now that you're in too deep, you too are afraid... I still love you. I still care. I just wish you saw it and acknowledged that I tried to.

9:04 AM

February 07, 2014

the short end

now i'm back to being tired and disinterested in everything. dance doesn't help either because my inadequacies in one thing are replaced by feelings of inadequacy in another. i took a walk to try and clear my head, with the cool air and great company, but to no avail. i can't focus on work, i can't sleep. nothing i can do will make things better. i am useless, absolutely useless.

10:10 PM

February 04, 2014

Happy

These two days have been exceptionally wonderful and I am happier than I've been in a long while. There are many reasons though none I can put my finger on. All I'd like to do is say thank you to everything animate or otherwise that has led to me feeling this way. My soul is at peace and my heart is filled with many pleasant things. (my tummy too cause Bryant helped get me cream puffs! ^^)

4:57 PM

December 30, 2013

I still reach for my phone even though I know it's 2:35 am and you're not there. Regardless, I still hope. Maybe there's still a chance. I don't know. I'm desperate and in denial.

2:36 AM

Waiting for delivery.

Perhaps, I've finally done it. I've finally driven away the one person I've held most dear. Out of my folly and thoughtlessness, out of plain stupidity, I have done it. I should have known better. I must say, I did know better. I was honest about it and now, I must face the consequences. I have not cried until now. There is no use in crying. It is all my doing. There must be no regrets. It was something I had wanted to do and I did it, without regard to the feelings of this one person. Who am I to cause him hurt? Who am I to make such decisions? Who am I now that I can no longer recognise who I have become? I am no one.

12:51 AM

December 25, 2013

Merry Christmas to anyone who sees this :)

I've been feeling a whole lot of things recently, mostly anger, frustration and loneliness. But I didn't think being upset would help me recover so I thought I'd have a post about my highs and lows of the week. (I love doing highs and lows with my DF group in school cause I get to remember every good moment I've had and be grateful for those moments, big or little)

Highs

Sam and I spent our 2nd anniversary (21. 12. 13) on the best date thus far. We went to watch the Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug together and it was amazing! Benedict Cumberbatch as Smaug the dragon was perfect and really gave me great terror so A+ hahaha also, the 2h 41min long film didn't feel too draggy which adds another plus :) The cab rides and dinner after the movie really made the night special though. It'd been a while since Sam and I had the time to be intimate with each other both physically and emotionally which really helped me relax and enjoy the date. It was easy being with him. We were both comfortable and happy with each other and being with each other. After being together so long, through all our ups and downs, it makes me proud to be with him and have people say, "Wow. You guys are still together!"
Day after, Sean came over for a pre-Christmas Christmas Dinner :) It was fun just catching up with all the things he'd been up to the past 2 weeks going to St. Johns Island and all that ^^ Also, family squabbling wasn't so antagonising and we cracked jokes making everyone laugh. Having Sean over reminded me of how much I missed school and of how much better my family would be if we weren't so mean towards each other.
We went to visit Mima today. She's so cheerful and kind as always, it really warms the heart. I love how supportive and loving she is.

Lows

Living at home again means constant nagging and a lot of squabbling. It's exhausting when people are always telling you to do things they're too lazy to do themselves and then proceed to insult you by saying you're ugly, stupid and useless in not doing a great job at whatever they were supposed to do but forced upon you. If you could do it better, DO IT YOUR-FUCKING-SELF.
It also feels like everyone in this family has to give you an insult otherwise they'll explode or something. I haven't had a moment where I've not second-guessed myself or been angry while in the company of my family. I cannot wait to get away from them for time by myself or with friends.

Aside from those feelings, I AM SO EXCITED to move back into college in exactly 14 days ^^ I have fairy lights and lanterns and glow-in-the-dark seashells and marine life to put up in my room :D Yay, decorating! Also, I finally get to spend time with the crazy 13th floor gang for a sem \o/ #overlyattachedfriend

9:41 PM

November 17, 2013

I'm getting old and I need something to rely on.

I've finally found my place in college. Dancing in oneheART has given me the space I needed to just be free to move and be myself. Everyone's been really encouraging and it's unbelievable.

We'd been spending the past two nights choreographing for our fundraiser on Monday (only a night away) and I'm anxious and excited. I really hope people appreciate our handwork and feel like they got the most out of their donations. It didn't take us much but we hope what we get can really benefit the people of the Philippines rebuilding the homes and lives in the aftermath of Typhoon Haiyan.

Maybe there isn't really much that we could do from here. We don't have doctors, we don't have medicine to give. But we have our art and we have money to send over to Habitat for Human in aiding the people. And I hope that they feel our love.

2:40 PM

November 15, 2013

i have so much i wish i could say and yet can't form the words to express how i feel. my relationship with sam might end and the thought of that tears me up inside but it seems to me like the best possible choice unless we can work out our differences. religion is a big thing. there's only so much i can believe in right now. i wish you could have faith that i'd find my way sammy. i wish you hadn't lost your patience with me and i wish i didn't make you feel suffocated like this. i want you to have so many things but it hurts to know that maybe i can't be the one to give them to you.

12:18 AM

Heart's A Mess it makes no sense but i'm desperate to connect
	April 22, 2014 Act 2, Scene 1: Don't Wanna Dance Girl, 20, lies down in bed and is sobbing quietly. It is 2 o'clock in the morning. There is a strong sense of pain and anger in the air. We see her room is a mess with books in disorganised piles on the table and in the bookshelf, clothes strewn about and draped over the furniture, shoes in one corner of the room by the cupboard look like they were thrown there and disregarded. Girl herself looks quite the mess. Her matted hair is in a loose ponytail, her clothes are crumpled and her eyes bloodshot. Girl: I cried tonight, after we said goodnight. I felt incredibly lonely when you went to bed with goodnight wishes so cold and distant. I wanted to be held the way I held you. I wanted your warmth. I wanted to know that you wanted me too. I miss you incredibly with the kind of emptiness that hurts and makes my hands hyperaware of the absence of your fingers in the spaces between mine. Do you feel it too? I believe you would but it is likely overwhelmed by something else- hurt. Did I drive you away with words that stirred your insecurities knowing full well that it would but done in the name of love and respect? Perhaps. I love you, yes, but I cannot deny the experiences I want to have with my friends while I'm young and still able to experience life carelessly. Still, I gave it up. I didn't want to push you away but the words have been said and that brings me to my current state. I wept thinking of how much I wanted to be by your side. I wanted to hold you, to love you, to show you that I can be trusted. I don't know what you think of me anymore and that scares me. I want to lie down beside you and listen to your heart beating as you sleep and dreams fill your mind with all kinds of wonder. I am no longer the girl you know me to be, I believe it is so. Now, I'm no good. All I do is hurt and lie and cheat you but you give me so much. I often wonder myself, how am I able to do this to a man I truly love? Maybe there's something wrong with me and I'm broken. Maybe I was never meant for you. Maybe I was a mistake that was too late too fix, because you were falling too and now that you're in too deep, you too are afraid... I still love you. I still care. I just wish you saw it and acknowledged that I tried to. 9:04 AM February 07, 2014 the short end now i'm back to being tired and disinterested in everything. dance doesn't help either because my inadequacies in one thing are replaced by feelings of inadequacy in another. i took a walk to try and clear my head, with the cool air and great company, but to no avail. i can't focus on work, i can't sleep. nothing i can do will make things better. i am useless, absolutely useless. 10:10 PM February 04, 2014 Happy These two days have been exceptionally wonderful and I am happier than I've been in a long while. There are many reasons though none I can put my finger on. All I'd like to do is say thank you to everything animate or otherwise that has led to me feeling this way. My soul is at peace and my heart is filled with many pleasant things. (my tummy too cause Bryant helped get me cream puffs! ^^) 4:57 PM December 30, 2013 I still reach for my phone even though I know it's 2:35 am and you're not there. Regardless, I still hope. Maybe there's still a chance. I don't know. I'm desperate and in denial. 2:36 AM Waiting for delivery. Perhaps, I've finally done it. I've finally driven away the one person I've held most dear. Out of my folly and thoughtlessness, out of plain stupidity, I have done it. I should have known better. I must say, I did know better. I was honest about it and now, I must face the consequences. I have not cried until now. There is no use in crying. It is all my doing. There must be no regrets. It was something I had wanted to do and I did it, without regard to the feelings of this one person. Who am I to cause him hurt? Who am I to make such decisions? Who am I now that I can no longer recognise who I have become? I am no one. 12:51 AM December 25, 2013 . Merry Christmas to anyone who sees this :) I've been feeling a whole lot of things recently, mostly anger, frustration and loneliness. But I didn't think being upset would help me recover so I thought I'd have a post about my highs and lows of the week. (I love doing highs and lows with my DF group in school cause I get to remember every good moment I've had and be grateful for those moments, big or little) Highs Sam and I spent our 2nd anniversary (21. 12. 13) on the best date thus far. We went to watch the Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug together and it was amazing! Benedict Cumberbatch as Smaug the dragon was perfect and really gave me great terror so A+ hahaha also, the 2h 41min long film didn't feel too draggy which adds another plus :) The cab rides and dinner after the movie really made the night special though. It'd been a while since Sam and I had the time to be intimate with each other both physically and emotionally which really helped me relax and enjoy the date. It was easy being with him. We were both comfortable and happy with each other and being with each other. After being together so long, through all our ups and downs, it makes me proud to be with him and have people say, "Wow. You guys are still together!" Day after, Sean came over for a pre-Christmas Christmas Dinner :) It was fun just catching up with all the things he'd been up to the past 2 weeks going to St. Johns Island and all that ^^ Also, family squabbling wasn't so antagonising and we cracked jokes making everyone laugh. Having Sean over reminded me of how much I missed school and of how much better my family would be if we weren't so mean towards each other. We went to visit Mima today. She's so cheerful and kind as always, it really warms the heart. I love how supportive and loving she is. Lows Living at home again means constant nagging and a lot of squabbling. It's exhausting when people are always telling you to do things they're too lazy to do themselves and then proceed to insult you by saying you're ugly, stupid and useless in not doing a great job at whatever they were supposed to do but forced upon you. If you could do it better, DO IT YOUR-FUCKING-SELF. It also feels like everyone in this family has to give you an insult otherwise they'll explode or something. I haven't had a moment where I've not second-guessed myself or been angry while in the company of my family. I cannot wait to get away from them for time by myself or with friends. Aside from those feelings, I AM SO EXCITED to move back into college in exactly 14 days ^^ I have fairy lights and lanterns and glow-in-the-dark seashells and marine life to put up in my room :D Yay, decorating! Also, I finally get to spend time with the crazy 13th floor gang for a sem \o/ #overlyattachedfriend 9:41 PM November 17, 2013 I'm getting old and I need something to rely on. I've finally found my place in college. Dancing in oneheART has given me the space I needed to just be free to move and be myself. Everyone's been really encouraging and it's unbelievable. We'd been spending the past two nights choreographing for our fundraiser on Monday (only a night away) and I'm anxious and excited. I really hope people appreciate our handwork and feel like they got the most out of their donations. It didn't take us much but we hope what we get can really benefit the people of the Philippines rebuilding the homes and lives in the aftermath of Typhoon Haiyan. Maybe there isn't really much that we could do from here. We don't have doctors, we don't have medicine to give. But we have our art and we have money to send over to Habitat for Human in aiding the people. And I hope that they feel our love. 2:40 PM November 15, 2013 i have so much i wish i could say and yet can't form the words to express how i feel. my relationship with sam might end and the thought of that tears me up inside but it seems to me like the best possible choice unless we can work out our differences. religion is a big thing. there's only so much i can believe in right now. i wish you could have faith that i'd find my way sammy. i wish you hadn't lost your patience with me and i wish i didn't make you feel suffocated like this. i want you to have so many things but it hurts to know that maybe i can't be the one to give them to you. 12:18 AM	Q♥ Archive August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 May 2011 May 2013 July 2013 November 2013 December 2013 February 2014 April 2014 ♥ untouched. 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