Waiting for delivery.
Perhaps, I've finally done it. I've finally driven away the one person I've held most dear. Out of my folly and thoughtlessness, out of plain stupidity, I have done it. I should have known better. I must say, I did know better. I was honest about it and now, I must face the consequences. I have not cried until now. There is no use in crying. It is all my doing. There must be no regrets. It was something I had wanted to do and I did it, without regard to the feelings of this one person. Who am I to cause him hurt? Who am I to make such decisions? Who am I now that I can no longer recognise who I have become? I am no one.
12:51 AM
December 25, 2013
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Merry Christmas to anyone who sees this :)
I've been feeling a whole lot of things recently, mostly anger, frustration and loneliness. But I didn't think being upset would help me recover so I thought I'd have a post about my highs and lows of the week. (I love doing highs and lows with my DF group in school cause I get to remember every good moment I've had and be grateful for those moments, big or little)
Highs
- Sam and I spent our 2nd anniversary (21. 12. 13) on the best date thus far. We went to watch the Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug together and it was amazing! Benedict Cumberbatch as Smaug the dragon was perfect and really gave me great terror so A+ hahaha also, the 2h 41min long film didn't feel too draggy which adds another plus :) The cab rides and dinner after the movie really made the night special though. It'd been a while since Sam and I had the time to be intimate with each other both physically and emotionally which really helped me relax and enjoy the date. It was easy being with him. We were both comfortable and happy with each other and being with each other. After being together so long, through all our ups and downs, it makes me proud to be with him and have people say, "Wow. You guys are still together!"
- Day after, Sean came over for a pre-Christmas Christmas Dinner :) It was fun just catching up with all the things he'd been up to the past 2 weeks going to St. Johns Island and all that ^^ Also, family squabbling wasn't so antagonising and we cracked jokes making everyone laugh. Having Sean over reminded me of how much I missed school and of how much better my family would be if we weren't so mean towards each other.
- We went to visit Mima today. She's so cheerful and kind as always, it really warms the heart. I love how supportive and loving she is.
Lows
- Living at home again means constant nagging and a lot of squabbling. It's exhausting when people are always telling you to do things they're too lazy to do themselves and then proceed to insult you by saying you're ugly, stupid and useless in not doing a great job at whatever they were supposed to do but forced upon you. If you could do it better, DO IT YOUR-FUCKING-SELF.
- It also feels like everyone in this family has to give you an insult otherwise they'll explode or something. I haven't had a moment where I've not second-guessed myself or been angry while in the company of my family. I cannot wait to get away from them for time by myself or with friends.
Aside from those feelings, I AM SO EXCITED to move back into college in exactly 14 days ^^ I have fairy lights and lanterns and glow-in-the-dark seashells and marine life to put up in my room :D Yay, decorating! Also, I finally get to spend time with the crazy 13th floor gang for a sem \o/ #overlyattachedfriend
9:41 PM